The Vow of Chastity in Contemplative Life - Part Two

“Love Changes Everything”
The Vow of Chastity: A Promise of Radical Availability

Part Two
Part One was published 7/11/09 and appears below

Photo: Sister Beatrice and Sister Maria Celeste

From the Constitutions and Statutes of the order of the Most Holy Redeemer:

“The mystery of love in consecrated virginity is not limited to the vow of chastity. It surpasses the love of self in order to love all in God.” #24 C

“Community life is essentially a life in relationship. It must contribute to the development of the human person, foster relationships and establish a true unity of heart and spirit.” #61 C

“..We ask constantly and humbly for the grace to deepen our understanding of religious chastity. We unite confidence in God’s help and the assistance of the Virgin Mary with the prudence of Christian asceticism and a healthy emotional balance. We take advantage of those natural means which favor physical and mental health. Everyone, especially the Prioress, should remember above all that chastity has stronger safeguards in a community where true fraternal love thrives.” #02 S

These excerpts from our Rule clearly emphasize the necessity of healthy mutually supportive loving relationships within the contemplative monastic community. These excerpts and other sections of the Rule along with my reading of wonderful new material concerning our form of religious life brought me to this notion of “Radical Availability” as the second vital component to the vow of chastity. This commitment we have made is not like that of a hermit or a Carthusian. We are Redemptoristines committed to a life with God lived in community with others. Not merely with cold indifference or toleration but in relationship. And we are committed to an on-going radical conversion. Living in “mutual charity and union of hearts” is the instrument of our conversion. After all “love will never let you be the same.”

Sr. Barbara Fiand, SNDdeN, has written a book entitled “Refocusing the Vision: Religious Life into the Future.” She suggests that for too long we have thought almost exclusively of our communities as work communities. She argues that these times, the culture of individualism that surrounds us, the prevailing inability to commit to faithful relationship, constant conflict between peoples and nations - these times demand that we no longer think in terms of work communities but in terms of relationship communities. Now it would be easy for us to say that active apostolic religious out there have been caught up in their work but not us. I don’t think we can shirk off the idea that easily. The way of monastic life is very work oriented with its rotation of tasks, work charges, timed daily horarium. We are to be interchangeable parts to keep the monastic machine in working order. Yes, the monastic household must be kept running as any household but is that all we are to do and to be? And isn’t it true that as we age, as we become fewer in number, and as the able-bodied take on more responsibility we need, all the more, to take Sr. Barbara’s admonition to heart? She asks us to take seriously the call of our Rule to healthy, mutually supportive, loving relationships.

And it is hard. And this is conversion. And this is how living in community becomes the instrument of our conversion. We can ignore it and just work.. We can claim the contemplative need for solitude. We can say, “I don’t go for that stuff.” But we do so at the risk of ignoring a call to the asceticism of relationship. It is hard to relate to others beyond the superficial. But, most of all, it is hard to relate to others beyond our own personal preferences, outside of our own basic personality type, outside our comfort zone, AND, this is the hardest of all, to relate to others in spite of the dark places of ancient wounds that scar our psyches. And we all have them. They are the dark places described for us in another presentation. These are the personal demons which I pray to exorcise.

Sr. Barbara Fiand calls this the asceticism of vulnerability. This is a counter-cultural stance to which Jesus, the vows and our Rule call us to bear witness. We witness from our liminal position on the fringe that offers a great view of the whole. This is the stuff that can, for some, make the issue of marriage and bearing children pale in comparison because it has to be lived every moment of every day among people who are not family and not necessarily bosom friends. It is a great challenge in a small contemplative community that lives a life of intense and exclusive togetherness in prayer, work, and recreation.

This is what invites the introverted to move out of their default position, their natural preference for solitude, working alone, and mulling things over in their own time and at their own pace. This person is asked to stretch, to be less of a ‘moving away from’ type of person and to exercise muscles for moving toward and relating. This is what invites the extrovert to stretch and respect the boundaries of those who are not naturally ‘moving toward types’; to give others a chance to think; to be patient with the natural solitaries. It has been said that if you do not know what an extrovert is thinking, you have not been listening. And if you do not know what an introvert is thinking, you have not asked! This demands the stretch to listen more and to ask more. The extrovert who seems to talk non-stop may continue that way because it is evident no one is listening and the introvert will continue to naturally remove herself from the fray into silence and solitude unless she is asked to enter into conversation.

It is only in the personal stretching to the opposite of the natural pole of our type that a bunch of unrelated individuals can become a community; the organized side by side with the unorganized; the highly motivated Enneagram One along side the fearful Six; the cautious crowd pleasing Two cheek to jowl with the flamboyant Four. In Enneagram typology, the healthy person is one who has stretched their personality envelope by moving toward their opposite.

In order to enter into intimate relationship with each other sometimes we have to find a way to jump over our differences, differences that are sometimes convenient barriers when we don’t want to relate. We have to jump over the separation created by the phrases, “in my family”, “in my day”, “in my country”, “in my novitiate, we did it this way.” To the degree that we succeed in avoiding this tendency, we create a growing open space, a safe place for self-disclosure without fear.

Community life should be characterized by an inclusiveness that fosters relationship and intimacy. It cannot be a matter of relationship on demand. We need to remember those attributes that assisted the development of friendships when we were not in the monastery. I would guess that some of those things would be availability, supportive presence in a pinch, attentiveness, thoughtfulness, listening, loyalty, and a myriad of little things. All of this applies in the monastic community.

One could go on with all kinds of examples, all illustrating the asceticism of vulnerability, of radical availability. But there is one other I would mention. The asceticism of accepting that there just might be another way of doing things, a way different than the way you have always done them or prefer to do them. If ones identity is ones work, than the thought of changing how you do something or what you will be doing is a direct challenge to ones sense of self. This can be the locus of an explosion in a community - something that shouts out the need for conversation, discussion, sharing of feelings and attitudes.

(Excerpt from Strangers to the City by Michael Casey, pg.67-68 and 125, 127, 128)

Where can we find the roots of this witnessing to relatedness in radical availability? What are our models for this mode of being? We have learned of the communio existing in the Godhead; of the perichorises, the dance of constant relationship and mutuality among the persons of the Trinity – Father, Son and Holy Spirit. In Jesus himself danced two natures, one into the other and back again co-existing in each moment, each freely allowing the other to be, cooperating with the other in will and movement.

In an issue of Bulletin of the Internaional Union of Superiors General, (No. 137, 2008) Sr. Camilla Burns, Superior General of SNDdeN, wrote of the principles of the inner workings of the cosmos which are characteristics of living systems.

1. It is characteristic of all living systems to regenerate themselves.

2. Living systems are characterized by differences – diversity, complexity, variation, disparity and multiple forms. Diarmuid O’Murchu who has written a great deal about religious life using a new vocabulary, says that continuous innovation rather that consistent preservation is seen throughout the story of evolution.

3. And because all of nature, all of creation has a common origin, all created reality is relational.

We can conclude that if communities are to continue as living, surviving, witnessing organisms they too must be generative, highly tolerant of diversity, complexity and variation and surrender to their inherent nature to be in constant mobile and innovative relationship. How is that for a challenge?

O’Murchu writes “Commitment to this vow is a call to witness to authentic relationships at every level of life, and to challenge those systems and forces which undermine life-giving relationships…At all times, creativity must be mediated through structures capable of honoring the freedom, love and generativity which are central to our capacity for relating rightly.”

The invitation inherent in the vow of chastity is the call to a radical availability for relationship, relationship with God, with others and with all of creation. It calls us to a liminal place out on the fringe where we can see and hear clearly; a place where we can also be seen; where we give effective witnesses. We are called to witness to the necessity of a more intense relationship at all levels rather than an attitude of separateness and non-involvement. Tich Naht Han said, “We are here to outgrown the illusion of our separateness.” We must celebrate our diversity while fully appreciating our shared humanity.

How do we muster the courage and strength to respond to the demands of radical availability in community? It is only possible, if we see the call to contemplative life as the call to radical conversion, as the call to radical relationship with Jesus Christ.

In keeping with the theme that says, “Love Changes Everything” I would like to close with these often quoted words of Pedro Arupe now deceased former Superior General of the Jesuits.

“Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is,

than falling in love in a quiteabsolute, final way.

What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings, what you will do with your evenings,

how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know,

what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.

Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.”

Questions for discussion in small groups:

1. What are the values and the difficulties of living together? Does physical proximity guarantee “presence”? Does life together in community empower you for the mission – for the life of prayer in silence and solitude within community? If not, what would have to happen for you to feel empowered?

2. “Our unwillingness to see our own faults and the projection of them onto others is the source of most quarrels, and the strongest guarantee that injustice, animosity, and persecution will not easily die out.” What so you think of this observation?

3. What has been your experience of “learning” intimacy? How do you see the connection between celibacy and freedom?

The Vow of Chasity in Contemplative Life

Sr. Angela Liota, OSsR and Sr. Margaret Banville, OSsR

“Love Changes Everything”
The Vow of Chastity: A Promise of Radical Availability

Sr. Hildegard Magdalen Pleva, OSsR 2009 Part One

Back in April I posted some commentary and a slide show of our Region Formation Workshop which drew sisters from North America, Thailand, Philippines, Slovakia and Ireland. The following talk (published in two parts) is very much oriented to that audience but I thought tit might be of interest to others and have application to other types of groups trying to make a life together in accord with Gospel values.

The challenge of this topic has been roaming around inside of me for weeks. Books with little post-it notes sticking out at various places have been piling up in my room. I have filled scraps of paper with notes and ideas while waiting in doctors’ offices. I’ve pondered and meditated on the vow of chastity while lying in the tube of an MRI machine or just taking a shower. And I’ve prayed about it. I’ve prayed not just because I wanted to do you and the topic justice but also because thinking about it soon turned into my own examination of conscience and an examination of my consciousness. I began to think I had some nerve in trying to present this material to others.

Then the Spirit stepped in and by some divine synchronicity I came across notes of a presentation made here in 1991 by Sr. Vilma Seelaus, Carmelite of Barrington, RI. She began her presentation with the words, “Contemplation demands conversion; openness to radical conversion of heart. And the need for conversion is most felt in the Divine Presence.” I knew then that this assignment was gift because it called me to my own conversion. What I offer comes therefore from my own weaknesses and struggles. I hope that what I offer will put some flesh on the bones of the psychological and spiritual material that we have already received in this workshop.

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The vows of obedience, poverty and chastity are usually associated with specific juridic or legal limitations. Obey lawful institutional authority. Put aside the right to ownership. Forswear the right to contract a marriage or engage in sexual intercourse. It is as simple as that, all very black and white, and legalistic. It is our blessing that the second chapter of our Rule, The Constitutions and Statutes, puts flesh on these stark legal admonitions. The opening section of the Chapter speaks immediately of our transformation in Jesus Christ, of incarnating the vows in the flesh of humanity. This section imparts all the relational meaning that brings the vows into the realm of our commitment to Jesus alone and in him to all of creation and to our fellow human beings made in the image and likeness of God.

Our Rule incarnates the vows and gives them human flesh by introducing them in the context of “union of hearts and mutual charity.” In this context of love and relationship the stark prohibitions present in a legalistic interpretation of the vows are translated into invitations to enter into the deep waters of relationship with Jesus Christ and through him to relate to others in such a way that our personal conversion is fostered.

By this application obedience becomes cooperation with the will of God, docility to the Spirit, loyalty to the common good, responsible conscious decision-making and the commitment to ongoing discernment and conversion.

The vow of poverty becomes a right attitude and relationship to the material world. It is about ‘living simply, so that others may simply live.’ It becomes a commitment to share, to care for the tools with which we work and the house in which we live, and to do all that we can to conserve the natural resources which bless our lives.

And by this incarnation of the vows into their human expression, chastity becomes, at least in my mind, a promise for radical availability to God and to others. It invites a capacity to cultivate relationship without attachment, without expectation, without a thought to the ‘quid pro quo’ or ‘what’s in it for me’ attitude so present in the surrounding culture. And it definitely denies any territory to the abusive use of power in our interpersonal relationships.

In this philosophy of the evangelical counsels, the vows are not merely promises to turn off natural human instincts – individual autonomy squelched by obedience; the instinct to promote personal well-being and survival trounced by rules of poverty; or the human instinct for life promoting intimacy and generativity completely turned off by the vow of chastity. Rather, as Sr. Barbara Fiand, SSNdeN said in her video talk on the vows, “celibacy is not freedom from but freedom for.” Following her lead, the philosophy I present today interprets the vows as instruments for both promoting and redirecting these instincts for the sake of the Kingdom, for personal conversion, for a return to the true self, our original goodness. The vows become the means by which we lower ourselves into the depths of the living water Jesus promised to the Samaritan woman.

Too often our culture sees these promises as destructive of the self. As religious in vows, we are called to see them as life-giving, life-promoting sources of light. I see them as opportunities for a great personal opening, for availability to God and our sisters and brothers, especially our sisters in community, in which we are true witnesses to the redeeming love of God, and through which we will gradually, very gradually, be transformed into the living memory of Jesus Christ. Isn’t this why we wear a red habit and put it on our bodies each day with the words, “Clothe me O Lord, with the robe of charity and by the merits of your holy and beloved Son, fill me with your divine Spirit.” It is an extremely counter-cultural understanding of vows which we express from a liminal position, a place at the edge, at the fringes of society. By our choices and our behavior we can create a model for another way of being with each other, another way in which cultures and religions may co-exist, another way in which countries may share the planet in peace. We witness to this way of being and relating for the love of God and in doing so we make a social, cultural and moral comment to the society surrounding us.

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In the second part of this presentation I will further explore the vow of chastity as a promise for radical availability. However, we cannot ignore the component of the vow directly related to our human sexuality. While every vocational choice of the baptized person requires obedience to faithfulness and the poverty of simplicity, the call to celibacy is unique to religious vocation. Chastity appears first in the list of vows in our Rule. One of the most prominent scholars of religious life today, Sr. Sandra Schneiders, IHM, sees this vow as primary to religious life, a symbol of the call to exclusive relationship to Jesus Christ. She defines consecrated celibacy as “the freely chosen response to a charismatically grounded, religiously motivated, sexually abstinent, lifelong commitment to Christ, externally symbolized by remaining unmarried.” So it is freely chosen. It is a gift of the Holy Spirit. It is a promise freely made because I choose to make the relationship with Jesus primary in my life.

But the kicker is that, even with the call, even with the freely chosen response and with years of living the celibate life, we remain sexual beings. The vow does not turn that off. Not only do our bodies continue to act and respond in ways appropriate to our sexuality and gender, our minds and our psyches may have to revisit, from time to time, the hard reality of saying “No,” to sexual intimacy and procreation. In our inter-novitiate class on the vows, Sr. Kitty Hanley, CSJ told us, “It is not a question of what you will do if you fall in love but rather what you will do WHEN you fall in love.” You might say, “Oh well, that doesn’t apply to us cloistered nuns. We don’t have the access to people that active religious do.” Well, I don’t believe that. We see priests, spiritual directors, doctors and physical therapists among others. We also live with other women on whom we can develop a teenage crush kind of thing. I have not had the experience of living with much younger new members but I imagine that adding them into the community mix can make for some interesting feelings in either direction – an older sister drawn to a younger one or a younger one idolizing her role model.

And then there is the physical reminder that can come now and then or more often; a physical sensation that serves to announce that I am still a female, a normal woman, embodied in the flesh and hard-wired for physical intimacy, mother nature’s way to preserve the species and give joy to the heart. Having the sensation does not sully my promise. Having the sensation is not a sin. It is as value neutral as any emotion. The real issue is “What do I do with this?” Is it an opportunity to put myself down or to feel guilty? Or is it an opportunity for awe and wonder at how beautifully we are made? And is it another chance to reverence my promise, the exclusivity of my relationship with Jesus Christ?
How can we help ourselves to remain committed to the promise, to that exclusive relationship with Jesus Christ? How can we avoid or, at least cope, with the sometimes feelings of loneliness or isolation? What kind of attitudes and action steps would be helpful?

(Discussion of SKILLS for CELIBATE LIVING Rev. Ray Carey, priest and psychologist adapted by Sr. Kitty Hanley, CSJ)

Earlier someone raised the issue of on-going connection with ones primary family. Since I am a woman who has been married and who has children one could say that the vow of chastity, in terms of its sexual implications doesn’t have much meaning. I have found, however, that although I am not giving up something I never had, the vow asks me to give up something I could have as a result of my marriage, that is, a particular kind of relationship with my children and now my grandchildren. When I hear that the children are sick; when I hear that my son and his wife are in a bind for child care, I think about how, if I were not a nun, I could jump right in and help out as all of my friends do who are grandparents. There is no doubt the relationship with your children is going to have to be different. Some people can do this and others cannot. We had a novice who could not understand why we felt that it should not be a necessity for her to speak with her grown daughter every day. We had a postulant who wisely realized very quickly that contemplative monastic life would not allow that kind of free wheeling, hanging out together quality of time she wanted to spend with her grown children. When I meet with vocation directors or formators I recommend that they explore the nature and texture of the relationship an applicant mother or father has with their children. Another novice we had was incredulous when we said that we did not give Christmas presents to our family members.

A new relationship with the pre-existing family has to be carved out and this is not done without pain. There may even come a time when one has to say to a family member, “I cannot help you with this matter but I will pray for you.” The incorporating community needs to appreciate that process going on in its new members. All of us have the continuing struggle of cultivating a manner of relationship with family members that allows us to be present to them but does not interfere with our ability to be present to our primary community which is now the monastic community. Doing this in a conscious way may mean that we have to consider how much time we spend on the phone with them or how much we become preoccupied by their ups and downs of which, in reality, we are not a part and cannot fix.

Break for discussion:

Questions for Novices:

What has challenged to you while living as if you had already taken this vow?
What has been your experience of friendship in community?
What has helped you to live the celibate life?
What is the relationship between solitude and creative relationship?

For Sisters in Vows:

How have you experienced the reality of living this vow?
What have been your challenges?
What has supported you along the way?

For Sisters in Vows for over 25 years:
How have you experienced the reality of living this vow?
How have the changes in the theology of this vow and changes in attitudes concerning sexuality affected you?

Part Two to follow.